As previously mentioned the way things work in the UK is that in order to pay for care home fees (whether it be private or NHS) we needed to sell the asset of the house.

Trying to sell the house whilst Mum was still living there would have been too overwhelming for her. The council offer a 3 month grace period in which they cover the care home fees whilst you make efforts to sell the property, with the intention once the property is sold that you owe this money back. They can also extend this 3 month grace period provided you are able to prove efforts have been made to sell.

Time was therefore of the essence. Clive and I were back down in Devon the weekend following Mum’s move to clean and tidy the house, clear out the junk and get it ready for sale. The place was sparkling when the estate agents came around to do a valuation and we agreed to an ‘open house’ viewing in a fortnight.

Clive and I were therefore back in Devon two weeks later to mow the lawn and spruce the place up for the open house.

We had a couple of interested parties and I was able to accept an offer soon thereafter.

We got a little anxious heading into completion territory because we thought the Brexit vote might impact the buyers interest. Luckily this didn’t seem to sway them and it was green light to complete and move out.

Another long weekend was spent in Devon clearing out the property. The buyers wanted everything gone. The neighbours son was about to get married so I was able to give quite a bit of the furniture to them for their new beginnings. Mum was so fond of him and would have been pleased to know her belongings were going to a good home.

The whole process from start to finish took 3 months! We packed the car with the few possessions, mainly those of sentimental value, which I had decided to keep. A last goodbye to Mums wonderful neighbours who had been such a tremendous support to her over the years.  It felt sad to drive away – the end of an era!

We had a people engagement week at work and I decided to organise a networking event which involved a bake-off challenge with proceeds from sales going to charity. The theme was London Marathon 2018. We had 12 bakers and 12 delicious cakes – as you can see I have some very creative colleagues!! I loved the spirit of the event and the generosity of my colleagues was incredibly touching. The cake sale raised £300 for Alzheimer’s Research UK.

My personal favourite cake is the one showing me crossing the finish line in sub 4 hours which would be a dream. Sadly that isn’t likely as I am trying to overcome a shin injury. I have only managed to run 6 miles in 3 weeks. Trying to remain calm and keep my fitness up by using the cross trainer. My cross trainer sessions have ranged from 1 to 3 hours which as you can imagine is incredibly dull. Hoping that a further ten days of rest and some intensive physio therapy will get me to the start line. I have been doing my physio exercises religiously.

This morning instead of being able to do what was planned to be a 20 mile run I did a 3 mile jog/walk to test the injury. It felt promising but I need to remain realistic and proceed cautiously. Fingers crossed it will be ok as with only 4 weeks left and needing to fit in a long run before the big day I am running out of time and feeling the pressure. I don’t want to let all of my amazing friends and colleagues who have supported and sponsored me down. Most of all I really want to do this for Mum who has always been my biggest supporter.

I will leave you with this video from Alzheimer’s Research UK #ShareTheOrange which is very thought provoking.

 

My biggest concern was getting Mum used to the idea of leaving her home where she had lived happily for 25 years for a care home. I socialised the idea with her as much as possible in the last 5 months of her living independently.

Her doctor helped me first broach the topic with her given the request for the move was at his recommendation. Mum is quite old fashioned in that she looks up to men of certain professions so the conversation went well! From then on whenever I discussed the move with her I would always quote that her doctor thought it was a good idea and in fact insisted on it.

I believe I left my Mum living independently long enough to help her realise for herself that she was struggling, (even with care visits four times a day). I believe this helped make her more accepting of the move when the time came. She was also increasingly frightened on her own at night. She kept thinking she wasn’t safe and that there were people trying to break into her house. She would try and bolster the front door every night before going to bed. Given the short term memory loss she was constantly going down stairs to check the front door was definitely locked. During my visits I was unable to reassure her of her safety and at times she would get so worked up at bedtime that there would be tears.

You will see from the video that Mum would be open to the idea of care home living during our discussions in the evening when she felt unsafe. During day light hours she felt much more reassured of her safety and that is when I would receive resistance from her about the idea of the move. She was particularly concerned about being the youngest care home resident.

When a representative from the chosen care home visited to do an assessment, Mum of course passed with flying colours.

A date for the move was set. I arranged for my Mum’s best friend Margaret and Selina to help me. I couldn’t have done it without Margaret and Selina. All of us know that during stressful moments mothers are highly likely to resist a daughters recommendation and I knew Mum would be more willing and forthcoming in Margaret’s presence!

We had to move on a week day rather than weekend. I recall it all being very surreal. We took Mum out for dinner on her last night in Devon. I had packed a suitcase for Mum as she didn’t really need much given she was moving from a 3 bedroom house to a single bedroom with en suite. Major downsizing was therefore required. All her clothes needed name tapes (which Selina kindly ironed on the night before the move). I had decided on a couple of paintings and arranged a wall collage of photos along with all her photo albums. It was a desperately sad day. Mum was, as to be expected, highly anxious but we did have one comedy moment trying to get Mums favourite arm chair (which the care home agreed she could have in her room) into the back of the car.

The care home kindly arranged for Margaret, Selina and me to have a private evening meal with Mum on her first night in the home to help settle her.

Despite the day being surreal there were some clear moments which I will never forget and which still bring tears to my eyes. I remember Mums face as she walked out of her house for the last time. In that moment she knew exactly what was happening and I could see her expression of resignation about a situation out of her control. Needless to say she burst into tears. There were more tears at the care home as again Mum struggled to come to the realisation of her new situation. As soon as we walked out the home it was my turn to start crying. Of course I knew this would be for the best but right there, right then I felt horrible and just wanted to take her straight back home to Devon.

I am a strong person and very good at blocking my thoughts and emotions so up until then I had been going with the flow, dealing with all the logistics and had not stopped to think about my own feelings. The emotions therefore took me by surprise. I recall calling Clive that evening in tears and when Selina came in to wake me the next morning she found me lying in bed having another cry!

We visited Mum the next day. Some people are best left to settle without visitors so soon, however in Mum’s situation the care home suggested we return to help provide her with reassurance. It wasn’t just Mum who needed the reassurance as I remember Margaret, Selina and me coming away feeling more positive that Mum would be OK. In that first week Margaret who lives close by was able to visit Mum a few times and my cousin Ciara also visited.

Those first visits were emotionally difficult especially when the first question I would be asked was ‘have you come to take me home?’ That said Mum confirmed she felt safe and it was good to see her already thriving from the care and the nutritious food!

This photo was taken when we lived in Cairo. Mum taught English as a second language. This Japanese family lived in the same apartment block and they loved Mum. Despite none of them  speaking English she had an ability of communicating so naturally with people and making them understand and feel comfortable. I am taking a day holiday today and spending it with Mum. She has got to a point where whilst her understanding is good she has lost most of her ability to speak (an area that has deteriorated significantly in the last few months). That doesn’t stop her trying to chat away and due to her excellent interpersonal skills being able to still socialise so well despite her challenging circumstances.

It was my best friend, Selina who suggested I view a care home so that I could start thinking about care home living and thankfully she came with me as she was able to think of questions that I wouldn’t have thought to ask and it was nice to have a second opinion and someone who I could sound things out with afterwards.

The visit was very useful as I was able to pick up some pointers and get food for thought about next steps. It was also a wake up call that I needed as my laid back nature occasionally needs a prod!

Following Mums fall when her GP told me it was time to consider a care home it was Selina who again accompanied me in viewing some homes. We saw a range from what looked like five star hotels to drab and depressing.

Mum had the asset of her house which would have to be sold to cover the cost of the care home. Even if you take a place in an NHS home you have to use the money from the sale of the asset to cover the fee’s. Given the price between NHS and private was not a massive difference I decided a nicer private home was the way to go.

One of the homes we viewed which was five star hotel quality was beautiful in the residential section, however the dementia section was depressing in comparison. I felt that dementia patients were being treated as second rate citizens. I therefore decided to choose a home which was very pleasant and one where both the residential and dementia floors were identical. It was clear that no matter what your circumstances you were treated equally.

Both Selina and I liked the place I decided to choose. We turned up without having made an appointment and the whole process felt very natural. There wasn’t a full on sales pitch and we were also able to observe the care staff. I knew I didn’t want Mum living in London but wanted her to be within an hours drive and on the right side of Heathrow for visitors from Ireland.

I took Clive with me to view a couple of homes and he was supportive of my final decision. Selina’s Mum Margaret (who is my Mums best friend) also viewed the care homes and my Mums sister, Marie, who was visiting from Ireland also viewed the care home. Whilst it was ultimately my choice I really valued the opinion of those nearest and dearest who also have Mums best interests at heart. I wanted us all to feel comfortable with my decision.

Clive helped me with logistics of room availability and timing of the move with the care home manager. She was so impressed with how caring he was towards Mum’s situation that she assumed he was Mum’s son!

it is important to spend some valuable time getting this critical decision right so do your homework, check out reviews and feel comfortable with the decision.

 

The one person she’ll never forget is her Mammy!

As every day tasks became more overwhelming for my Mum, I recognised the importance of supporting her practical needs.

The examples are endless…

The photo above is a great example of the illness. It was taken when I arrived on a visit to Mum. You will see the fridge pretty much empty aside from 9 tubs of butter. Mum would obviously go shopping and forget she already had butter in the fridge. It’s sad but you have to see the funny side of things. I remember Clive and I having a giggle about this comedy moment. The photo still makes me smile to this day. I know Mum would think it was hilarious!

With time Mum found the practicality of washing and dressing more and more challenging. There comes a time when I had to help her in the shower. I ensured a shower mat was stuck down in order to prevent her from slipping and hurting herself. You need to think about hand rails for support. I knew she was too frightened to have a bath on her own so when I went to stay I would treat her to having a bubble bath. She would luxuriate telling me to go away every time I suggested it was time to get out. Of course lifting her out was difficult but so worth the effort.

With dressing you need to think about elasticated trousers as zips and buttons became too difficult a concept to deal with. She couldn’t tie her shoe laces so slip on shoes and velcro take over. Also as the illness can result in balance issues you need to think about practical supportive shoes.

My Mum lost her sense of time. She kept calling the time clock which explained why her phone bills were ridiculously high. I arranged for BT to block her from doing this. I bought her a special clock which helps those suffering from dementia showing the day of the week, the date and the time.

Mum had a thing about her keys. She had so many of them, she kept losing them and she got locked out. I tried installing a key hook holder with clear labels for each key. This didn’t work – Mum couldn’t get the hang of it. She also struggled with the Yale lock so in the end we had to tape over it so that she only had to use the traditional door key. One of her neighbours attached a bright green ribbon around the front door key with a bright pink label indicating it was for the front door. It worked and was easier for her to find in her bag or lying around the house.

On the theme of keys I got copies of the front door key cut for the neighbours. When the carers started to visit there were times when Mum struggled to find her key and open the door to let them in. I arranged to install an outdoor key safe so that the carers could come and go without too much delay.

Mum religiously put the house alarm on every night before bed but towards the end of living independently she kept setting it off at all hours of the night and in a panic didn’t know how to turn it off. The neighbours kept having to come to her aid. In the end we disconnected it which on the whole was the best solution but as you can imagine confused Mum.

Mum struggled using the more modern telephones so I bought an older fashioned simple to use phone.

The microwave which she had been using for donkeys years became too difficult for her to manage so we bought her a simple style in which all she had to do was turn the knob. We had to clearly label what to do for example the start button.

Speaking of labels – I had to label everything. I arranged for all the most used telephone numbers of family and friends to be laminated and stuck up on the wall by the phone. I laminated reminders of future dates for appointments to the wall. I tried to encourage her to use a white board and pen for writing down messages but she didn’t take to it and I found the board thrown into the back of her wardrobe!

Mum kept forgetting to put bin liners in the kitchen bin despite a clear label instructing her to do so. Gross – this is one thing that would drive me insane but I had to bight my tongue as she couldn’t help it. I would therefore have to input numerous liners, one within another, so that when the current one was ready to be discarded there was another clean one already in its place for use.

The boiler became a never ending issue. I tried to put it on timer and explained she wasn’t to touch it but Mum kept turning it on and off using the main switch or emergency on/off switch (despite covering the switch with a big cross and do not touch label). It resulted in numerous calls out to the plumber. He understood Mums predicament and was so kind fitting her in at short notice to make the repairs.

Mum and I are opposites in so many ways. She likes to hoard and I like to clear things out. I took the opportunity to put some order into her life both with her paperwork and to simplify by clearing out all of what I considered to be rubbish. It took me numerous visits to get through it all.

There were a lot of people coming and going and Mum kept hiding her expensive pieces of jewellery in different places so I removed all the valuables to keep them safe.

Mum struggled to use the washing machine and various appliances. In general everyday tasks overwhelmed her. So my visits tended to include numerous loads of washing, making beds, cleaning the house from top to bottom, doing the gardening, supermarket shopping, cooking up a batch of meals for the week ahead and taking Mum to church. I regularly took long weekends so that I was there to take Mum to numerous hospital, doctor, dentist, optician and hair appointments during working day.

It was exhausting at times but it goes without saying, when it’s your Mum, you do as much as you can to support and keep her living independently for as long as possible.

 

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It’s about time I provided an update on my training. I would be lying if I said it has been plain sailing. That said I have just had a good day at the debut of The Big Half Marathon (organised by the Virgin London Marathon team). I was delighted to achieve a PB by shaving 2 minuets off my time. I even got to see Mo Farrah and the leading athletes who were running in the opposite direction to me. I had only just started – heading towards mile 1 and they were at mile 5 making it look like a walk in the park!

Leading up to today I have had to make some adjustments to my training programme. A few weeks ago during a 14 mile long run I felt pain in my left foot towards the end of the run. It was a bit of a pavement pounder as I wanted to get some road running practice. It resulted in me having to take it easy for a week by scaling back the miles and focusing on my next long run which was a 12 miler in Richmond Park on softer ground.

Just when I thought I had my running ailments back in check, I picked up full blown flu which resulted in me having to spend a whole week in bed. Not easy to do when you are used to being active. It was the first time I had flu and wipe me out is an understatement. Again I had to scale back and just focused on the 16 mile long run. I was still feeling the effects of flu and was close to giving up a number of times during the second half of that 16 miler but I dug deep and got the job done.

That was a week ago today so I was a little unsure how I would fare heading into The Big Half, however achieving the PB today has given me confidence as I head into the last six weeks of training.

A nice finish to the half marathon was bumping into the Alzheimer’s Research UK charity crew when I went to meet coach Clivey at the end of race who awarded us with some post race chocolate!

Love this photo of Mum (front right) taken in Nairobi game park with good friends. I’m just peeking into the shot from back right. We stopped off for a spot of lunch whilst keeping an eye out!

Given I didn’t live around the corner, I really did rely on so many wonderful people who kept a close eye on Mum for me over the last few years living in Devon.

Her neighbours were fantastic. Between all of them she had some form of company every day. Whenever she went out they would check to ensure she had returned home safely.

Whenever sales people came knocking the neighbours would intervene and send them packing.

The lawn got mowed and hedges cut back. They would pop in to keep her company and take her out for a walk. This was especially important towards the end of her time living independently because as her world shrunk her life literally reduced to staying at home where the furthest she would venture was to the doctor surgery and local shop. Other than this she managed to catch the bus at the end of her street to town where she went to church or popped into Marks and Spencers.

Church played a big part in Mum’s life. There were many in the church community who were incredibly kind. In particular, the priest Father Harry was wonderful. He always looked out for her and I can’t thank him enough for his support over the years. A true gentleman.

Her doctor was fantastic and made broaching the topic of Care Home living with Mum much easier for me. The carers from the care company I used in Devon were also great and became a nice source of company for Mum as she became too frightened to venture far from her home on her own towards the end.

There are so many people in society who really do care for others. An example and funny story was Christmas of 2012. We spent Christmas with our family friends. I had arranged for Mum to travel on the train from Devon to London. In the 11th hour Mum decided to travel to London a day earlier. Nothing I said could persuade her to stick to the original plan. She had got it into her head that due to potential flooding in the West Country she had to travel a day early. So I agreed to meet her at Paddington station. I arrived at Paddington early. Next thing and unexpectedly Mum materialised in front of me visibly relieved to see me. She had caught an earlier train so arrived earlier than we had agreed. She was worried I wasn’t coming to collect her. She had the good sense to speak to a guard at the station explaining she was waiting for her daughter. When I went over to thank the guard (a lovely Irish man) – also visibly relieved to see me – he joked ‘thank God you are here – I thought I was going to have to take your Mum home for Christmas with me!’ Bless him – he looked after Mum for 2 hours until I turned up!!

Before I get on to the grooming incident attached is a photo From March 2015 when Clive and I visited Mum and we spent a sunny day in Topsham which would undoubtedly have included a Devonshire Cream Tea!

The first time we met this carer (let’s call her ‘carer X’) was at the time my Mum had a serious fall in which the paramedics had to be called. You know when you meet someone and immediately feel something is not right – like a gut instinct? I am not suggesting that this carer had anything to do with Mums fall, however with hindsight it is only natural to question the possibility. She was the first at the scene and the one who called to inform me of what had happened. Unfortunately Mum couldn’t remember anything so we’ll never know. Following the fall carer X took the paramedics notes away with her rather than leaving them with me to share with Mums GP the next day as she had been instructed to do by the paramedics.

Carer X came across as overly friendly and too familiar. She fed me stories show casing her caring nature, for example, when she had supposedly driven past my Mum walking around the streets in her nightdress one day and gave Mum a lift home. None of the neighbours, who kept a close eye on Mum, witnessed this.

She also mentioned that she would occasionally take Mum for a walk or help her with her shopping outside of carer X’s working hours. The couple of weeks after the fall carer X kept popping around to see how Mum was recovering. Now part of you might think she is being very kind and caring but on the other hand her behaviour came across as ‘too much’. I couldn’t put my finger on it but my gut just didn’t trust her.

Following the fall when the county council social services were assisting me with Mums case, the care schedule was stepped up to 4 visits a day. One afternoon  I received a call from Mums home phone. It was carer X asking if she could take Mum to the beach the next day. This would have been outside the care rota schedule. I asked her to put Mum on the phone. I asked Mum if she wanted to go. I could tell Mum felt uncomfortable and explained that she didn’t have to go if she didn’t want to.

A week or so later, another carer, who was doing the first shift of the day called explaining Mum had her coat on and told her she had already been into town and back. I’m so glad this carer had the foresight to recognise something was out of kilt as it triggered me into investigating further. This was immediately strange because Mum was very slow to get going in the mornings. She would also have struggled to get into town and back before the first care shift on her own. The carer informed me that Mum had nothing to show for having been into town, for example no shopping bags. I immediately checked Mums online banking and could see that she had withdrawn £50 that morning  which was the full daily withdrawal limit I had placed on her account. I asked Mum to check her purse, which she did, and she had less than £5 remaining. When I asked what she had spent the money on, Mum got very upset and started crying because she knew something wasn’t right but couldn’t remember. In a moment of clarity she told me ‘I wish that woman would leave me alone’ however she couldn’t remember who this woman was. She couldn’t remember if she was wearing the carer uniform or not.

Later that evening when I managed to get hold of Mums neighbours they informed me that carer X who had been with Mum the day of the fall had started visiting Mum very early in the mornings, regularly taking her out in her car. The neighbours suspected this activity and had intended getting in touch to inform me. The neighbours and I worked out the dates carer X had visited Mum since the fall and this correlated to the dates Mum had withdrawn £50 from her bank account totalling £300.

Carer X had been arriving at Mum’s by 7am when Mum would still have been in bed, forcing her up and out of the house, driving her in to town and waiting for Mum as Mum withdrew the limit on her account. Carer X would have Mum back at home on time for the first care visit.

When I contacted the bank they knew exactly who Mum was, given she was only able to withdraw money in person directly from the cashier and I had a file note on Mums account so they would take care with her as, for example Mum was losing the ability to write at this stage and always struggled with her signature. They informed me that Mum would come into the bank alone which indicated carer X was instructing Mum and waiting for her out of sight.

Once we figured out what was going on, Clive (who was so angry and fancies himself as a bit of an Inspector Columbo wanted to hire a camper van and stake Carer X out) and I called the care company to inform them of our suspicion. We arranged for a meeting with the manager first thing the next morning. Coincidentally I received a call from Mums social services case worker that evening informing me she needed to visit Mum the next morning for an assessment. I told her about our concern and she said she would gently see if she could obtain any further information from Mum.

The next morning after Clive and I had spoken to the manager of the care company about our concern (in which the manager mentioned other complaints about carer X had recently come to light) the social services worker called to inform me that when she had arrived very early in the morning at Mums, carer X was in Mums house and had Mum dressed in her coat about to leave the house. She immediately asked what carer X was doing there out of rota hours and where she was taking Mum. Carer X was rattled. Carer X was immediately suspended pending investigation and told to stay away from Mum. The police were informed and started doing patrols of the neighbourhood to ensure Mum was safe. Shortly after, carer X was fired. The police following their investigation were unable to take the case further given the lack of hard evidence, however they did confirm carer X would never be able to work in the care industry again.

It’s horrible to think that people are prepared to go out of their way to take advantage of the vulnerable. The social services worker said it was a typical grooming case. Not only was carer X trying to groom Mum, she was trying to groom friends, family and the neighbours by attempting to come across as kind and caring towards Mum.

I was incredibly impressed with how the social services, police and the care company handled the situation. It’s unfortunate that one bad person can potentially cause reputational damage for all the other wonderful carers and the amazing work that they do.

The next couple of posts are sad but important to highlight. So before getting into the sobering chapter here is a happy picture of Mum taken on her last birthday surrounded by beautiful blue bells.

I’d like to think that 99.9% of people in society are good, however unfortunately there are a small percentage who will go out of their way to take advantage of the vulnerable.

You read about these cases in the media not thinking for a second that it could happen to you. I will provide you a few examples including a carer who took advantage of my Mum by using the ‘grooming’ approach. I will also provide advice on action taken to resolve the situation.

Businesses including charities are very good at recognising they can take advantage. They encourage people like Mum to part with their money, to share bank card details and set up direct debits. Despite cancelling said direct debits and warning organisations to refrain from contacting my Mum they continued to pester her and entice her to reinstate the direct debits.

Mum also got caught up in fraudulent activity whereby organisations who supposedly operate from Asia sell products such as herbal medicine to vulnerable individuals like Mum whose name would have been registered on what is termed a ‘sucker list’. Despite cancelling payments these organisations will reopen the direct debit under another company entity and continue to take advantage. Despite the company agreeing for us to return the pills we were never reimbursed. In speaking to the police they said they are aware of such practices. Whilst they make every effort to investigate, their power is limited in such cross boarder operations.

Actions taken to resolve the situation:

BT arranged for Mum to have a new telephone number which was ex directory. They provided me with a code which I entered into her phone and it enabled Mum to dial out and family and friends to dial in but blocked the majority of organisations from being able to get through.

I arranged for all of Mums bank cards to be cancelled. I had to close down her bank account. I opened a new cash only bank account (with limited cash in it) which did not allow direct debits. At this stage Mum was unable to work a cash point and so she was only able to withdraw money by visiting a cashier in person with photographic ID. I also arranged a £50 a day withdrawal limit on her account. Thank goodness for Power Of Attorney!

Now on to the next chapter and the grooming incident…