The Big Move

My biggest concern was getting Mum used to the idea of leaving her home where she had lived happily for 25 years for a care home. I socialised the idea with her as much as possible in the last 5 months of her living independently.

Her doctor helped me first broach the topic with her given the request for the move was at his recommendation. Mum is quite old fashioned in that she looks up to men of certain professions so the conversation went well! From then on whenever I discussed the move with her I would always quote that her doctor thought it was a good idea and in fact insisted on it.

I believe I left my Mum living independently long enough to help her realise for herself that she was struggling, (even with care visits four times a day). I believe this helped make her more accepting of the move when the time came. She was also increasingly frightened on her own at night. She kept thinking she wasn’t safe and that there were people trying to break into her house. She would try and bolster the front door every night before going to bed. Given the short term memory loss she was constantly going down stairs to check the front door was definitely locked. During my visits I was unable to reassure her of her safety and at times she would get so worked up at bedtime that there would be tears.

You will see from the video that Mum would be open to the idea of care home living during our discussions in the evening when she felt unsafe. During day light hours she felt much more reassured of her safety and that is when I would receive resistance from her about the idea of the move. She was particularly concerned about being the youngest care home resident.

When a representative from the chosen care home visited to do an assessment, Mum of course passed with flying colours.

A date for the move was set. I arranged for my Mum’s best friend Margaret and Selina to help me. I couldn’t have done it without Margaret and Selina. All of us know that during stressful moments mothers are highly likely to resist a daughters recommendation and I knew Mum would be more willing and forthcoming in Margaret’s presence!

We had to move on a week day rather than weekend. I recall it all being very surreal. We took Mum out for dinner on her last night in Devon. I had packed a suitcase for Mum as she didn’t really need much given she was moving from a 3 bedroom house to a single bedroom with en suite. Major downsizing was therefore required. All her clothes needed name tapes (which Selina kindly ironed on the night before the move). I had decided on a couple of paintings and arranged a wall collage of photos along with all her photo albums. It was a desperately sad day. Mum was, as to be expected, highly anxious but we did have one comedy moment trying to get Mums favourite arm chair (which the care home agreed she could have in her room) into the back of the car.

The care home kindly arranged for Margaret, Selina and me to have a private evening meal with Mum on her first night in the home to help settle her.

Despite the day being surreal there were some clear moments which I will never forget and which still bring tears to my eyes. I remember Mums face as she walked out of her house for the last time. In that moment she knew exactly what was happening and I could see her expression of resignation about a situation out of her control. Needless to say she burst into tears. There were more tears at the care home as again Mum struggled to come to the realisation of her new situation. As soon as we walked out the home it was my turn to start crying. Of course I knew this would be for the best but right there, right then I felt horrible and just wanted to take her straight back home to Devon.

I am a strong person and very good at blocking my thoughts and emotions so up until then I had been going with the flow, dealing with all the logistics and had not stopped to think about my own feelings. The emotions therefore took me by surprise. I recall calling Clive that evening in tears and when Selina came in to wake me the next morning she found me lying in bed having another cry!

We visited Mum the next day. Some people are best left to settle without visitors so soon, however in Mum’s situation the care home suggested we return to help provide her with reassurance. It wasn’t just Mum who needed the reassurance as I remember Margaret, Selina and me coming away feeling more positive that Mum would be OK. In that first week Margaret who lives close by was able to visit Mum a few times and my cousin Ciara also visited.

Those first visits were emotionally difficult especially when the first question I would be asked was ‘have you come to take me home?’ That said Mum confirmed she felt safe and it was good to see her already thriving from the care and the nutritious food!